


Regrets

by SaritAadam



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Love Confessions, M/M, Trektober 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:41:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26988412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaritAadam/pseuds/SaritAadam
Summary: After a precipitated escape from an alien planet, Jim and Spock find themselves stuck on a shuttlecraft until The Enterprise can pick them up.Only issue is: the shuttle may not have enough power left to keep them alive until then.Written for Trektober 2020 day 13: Shuttlecraft + Stuck in an enclosed space
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 11
Kudos: 125
Collections: Trektober 2020





	Regrets

Jim's heart was racing, pounding in his ear, hiding the unintelligible cries of the aliens. His lungs were burning, not working correctly anymore. They have been out exploring the planet all day, walking a good distance from their camp. Distance he now had to sprint. His legs were begging to stop. But he couldn't. Stopping meant death. This is what happened to Lieutenant O'Conner, who tried to give them cover. Or to Nurse Cortez, who was the first to go to help Lieutenant Maut when she tripped, resulting in the death of both of them. All that was of course after Ensign Patel was shot without warning.

All who were left were him and Spock. Spock, who was pulling him by the wrist. He had grabbed it when Jim almost felt over, and had not let go. The grip was painful, but it was what allowed him to stay ahead of their pursuers.

They finally reached the shuttlecraft, and Spock threw his captain in it, turning around to shoot the aliens.

Jim went for the controls and started the shuttle. Despite the deafening sound of the lasers against the hull, he heard the door close and Spock running to his side. Together, they started the ship.

Jim sighed once they were in the air, out of the shootings, safe and alive.

The shuttlecraft started shaking.

"Rapport Mister Spock!" Jim held on the console in front of him.

"We are being hit by a choc wave, sir."

"A choc wave? Coming from where? Our scan didn't detect any structure capable of it!"

"I do not know. We need to go out of the planet's orbit if we want to be safe from it.”

"Do it."

The shaking got stronger, throwing Jim out of his seat. 

This is it, he realized, the end. This is how he's going to die, away from his ship.

The shaking stopped.

“We are out of danger, sir,” Spock said with what he would not admit was relief.

Jim stood up, but didn't have the time to readjust his shirt before a weak tremble tried to send him back on the floor. He avoided it only because of Spock's steady hand.

Here, with the Vulcan's hand in his arm, and his eyes in his, the time seemed to dilate.

“Are you alright, Captain?” They were back in the regular flow of time.

“I- Yes, I am. You?”

“I am unhurt.”

“What about the shuttle?”

Jim sat back while Spock pushed the right buttons.

“I am afraid we lost most of our energy during our escape. We need to turn off most of the shuttlecraft's functionality if we want to survive until The Enterprise's return.”

They had been on their way to deliver dilithium crystals to Denobula when they detected an unknown class M planet on their sensors. Believing it to be inhabited, Jim has ordered Scotty to carry on with the initial mission while he went on the away team. The Enterprise was supposed to pick them up in two standard days.

“Send a distress signal to the ship. At maximum warp they could be here in less than a day.”

Spock executed himself without a word. But he contracted his jaw, and Jim knew something was wrong.

“The communicators are damaged, I can not send a long range signal.”

* * *

They put the shuttlecraft in orbit around the nearest planet and cut everything but the life support system.

Most of the equipment had stayed on the planet surface, in their camp. The only resource they had enough of in the shuttle was water. Otherwise, they possessed two ration bars and one blanket.

Jim gave one of the bars to Spock. “I trust you to ration yourself.”

Spock kept his hands clap in his back. “Sir, Vulcans can survive without food for days. I prefer you keep those.”

“Come on Spo-”

“I insist.”

They stubbornly looked at each other before Jim threw the ration on the blanket.

“Captain, I have a proposition to economize energy.”

Jim messaged his forehead, trying to relieve a migraine. With his free hand, he told Spock to continue.

“If we cut the heat system, the shuttlecraft should be able to run the life support system longer.”

“It's no use if we freeze to death.”

“The probability that we both die of hypothermia before The Enterprise arrival are of one thousand two hundred ninety-two against one.”

A weak smile slipped on Jim's lips. “Alright. Do it. We should also find a way to let the ship know we're here.”

“This is not an issue,” Spock answered, bent over the computer. “Once The Enterprise will be in the system, it should be able to pick up our distress signal. However, the shuttlecraft will be drained of most of its power by then. We would not be able to broadcast for long. Nor would the shuttle be able to sustain life support after that.”

“Are you saying we better let The Enterprise find us?”

“Not at all. Your plan will accrue our chance of survival by thirty-three point eighty-six percent.”

“Okay, we'll do this.”

Jim went back to their few possessions and took one of the ration. He cut it in half and gave one to Spock.

“Captain-”

“That's an order, Mister Spock.”

Without a word, Spock took the food.

Jim felt down in the closest seat, and took a bite out of his portion. In a miracle only an exhausted, traumatized body was capable of, the tasteless food was a delight. Delight who disappeared before Jim could fully register it.

He turned his attention back to Spock, who had sat down at the other side of the aisle, facing him. His eyes were glimmering in the dim light of the shuffle. His hands were still holding half of his food.

“Jim, if you still need sustenance-”

“Spock, stop, please.” He hoped that, for once, his friend would stop being selfless and let Jim take care of him. He nudged Spock's leg with his foot. “You need it too.”

The rest of the ration was eaten almost immediately.

* * *

Jim couldn't sit anymore. He walked back and forth in the shuffle, under Spock's gaze.

“Who attacked us? And how? Our scans didn't detect any sign of life!”

“We will have to check for any errors,” Spock answered. “But it is a possibility that they have a way to hide from our sensors.”

“We'll need to find how, or they're going to be a threat to the Federation!”

“Captain, I do not believe today's accident allows us to conclude they are a belligerent species.”

Jim stopped in his track, swinging his head to look at Spock, chocked. “Today's accident,” he repeated. “Four crewmen are dead, we've been attack without provocation, and you call it an “accident”?”

“This is our point of view of the events. Obviously, we are missing facts that would give sense to the assault.”

“Which facts? For two days we've been doing nothing but hiking and scanning the planet!”

“We must have done something to offend them.”

“Are you actually saying we are responsible for the attack?”

“Without our knowing, yes.”

Jim knew he had to consider Spock's words. But he was so angry, he didn't want to hear them. “So what, our crew deserved to die?”

Spock was speechless for a short time, looking at his captain with confusion. When he eventually spoke, it was slow and careful. “Jim… Maybe we should talk about it once you'll be less emotional.”

“We can't have you be compromised with emotion, can we, Spock?”

Jim would have liked a reaction, a reply, an excuse to start a fight. But Spock closed himself and looked at the wall. 

Jim felt like an asshole.

He turned away and went to sit at the back of the Shuffle, as far as Spock as he could. He fell asleep without exchanging another word with the Vulcan.

* * *

Jim's entire body was conspiring to bring him awake. His stomach was empty, and he tried to ignore it. His back was hurting, so he switched in his seat. He was cold, so he put the blanket over his nose.

He didn't have a blanket when he fell asleep.

He opened his eyes, realizing he was under the only blanket of the shuttle. He looked for Spock, and just had to turn his head to find him. Sitting in the seat next to him, the Vulcan was still sleeping.

Yesterday's anger was gone. Now, when Jim was looking at Spock, he felt, with shame, relief. He could have so easily lost him, and what would he have done if it had happened? If it ever happened? If Spock was gone before he could tell him…

Jim got on his feet, stretching his sour body.

When he turned his attention back to Spock, the Vulcan was looking at him.

“Did I wake you?” Jim asked with a smile.

“I was meditating.”

They looked at each other, the atmosphere between them awkward and uncertain. Despite his body's complaint, Jim sat in the seat in front of Spock.

“Spock, I want to apologize for yesterday. I was out of line.”

“There is no need for apologies. Anger is part of the human grief's process. I should have been mindful of my words.”

“Still, I was just looking for a fight and wasn't listening to you. Even though you were right.”

Spock's look stated that that much was obvious. Jim chuckled.

“I should also never have implied you didn't care about the crew. I know you worked closely with Lieutenant Maut.”

Spock's face became more soft, and he blinked slowly. “Her presence will be missed in the department.”

"Yes, she will." Jim wanted to reach for his friend, show empathy and support. But would it be acceptable for someone who doesn't show grief?

Like he felt his hesitation, Spock spoke again: "Jim, I did not mean to sound insensitive. I am simply not able to share your expression of grief."

"Why?" There's no aggression nor judgement in the question. "You just said she is going to be missed. You can feel it, missing someone, can't you?"

Spock opened his mouth, but stopped himself, his eyes lost in Jim's.

"I do," came the honest response. He quickly got back his composure. “But crying, or expressing regret for their death, would be like saying that their lives were without worth.”

“But if they were still alive, they could have done so much more.”

“Jim, all life must end. There is no reason to diminish what has been for what would never.”

Jim could see the philosophy, the logic, behind the reasoning. He let his head rest on the wall, his eyes on the ceiling. His stomach was still hungry. His back was still hurting. He was still cold. And still tired.

“You know,” he says slowly, “sometimes, we don't cry because of what else they could have accomplished, but because we miss them. And because we have missed the opportunity to do or… say things. Do you understand that?”

“Vulcans do not feel regrets.”

“No, I guess they don't.”

* * *

“I know what we are going to do!” Jim sat in front of Spock.

He readjusted the blanket around him so it would not block his movements. Every time Jim had fallen asleep, which is every time he sat down, Spock had put the blanket over him. So now, he was keeping it roll around him, even if it wasn't that cold yet.

When he wasn't losing consciousness, Jim had been walking back and forth in the shuttle, losing his sanity and looking for anything remotely stimulating.

Lost in his mind, Spock blinked back to reality. “About what, sir?”

“To kill the time.”

“I would advise against it. We need the time to continue if we want to get out of here.”

Jim rolled his eyes with a bright smile. Whoever said Vulcan didn't have humor obviously never met one.

“During long trips, my parents would make my brother and I do simple, stupid games, so we would not get bored.”

“Why would they avoid it? Boredom is essential to a right cerebral development.”

“You obviously didn't have any siblings. Two bored children are extremely chaotic.”

Spock raised an eyebrow, offended at the idea that he could have one day been chaotic. Jim laughed his apology.

“What game did you have in mind, Jim?” He lightly leaned forward, closer to Jim.

“What about charade?”

“Very well. Do you wish to guess first?”

“Or we can go together and try to guess before the other. A little friendly competition?”

"That would be acceptable, yes."

“Okay, I have one. You can ask a question when you're ready.”

“Does it have consciousness,” Spock said immediately.

“It does. Are you thinking of a person?”

“No. Are they someone we know?”

“Yes. Is it made by man?”

“No. Are they affiliated with the Federation?”

“They are. Can I stand in it?”

“You can. Are you thinking of my father?”

Jim's surprise was quickly replaced by a laugh. “It was that easy?”

“Only because I know your mind. Do you know what I was thinking of?”

“Only that it is a place. What was it?”

“The stream on MX-1608.”

MX-1608 was a jungle planet they discovered a few months ago. It was a class M, so they had to explore it. The away mission had been peaceful. Jim and Spock were on their own when they found a stream of water, barely big enough to be called a river. They followed it until they reached a cascade, where they took a short rest, eating the fruits gorging the trees. Jim even put his bare feet in the water.

He could understand why Spock would think about this place. It was warm and had plenty of food. Jim would rather be stuck there himself, instead of sitting in those awful chairs or circling the same five meters. He could be swimming or lying in the shadows of the jungle with Spock.

Jim clapped his hands to interrupt his train of thought. "I'm going to make the next one harder for you, mister!"

They kept playing for a long time, trying to outsmart the other, exchanging playful remarks from time to time. Somehow, the feeling was similar to their chess matches.

"Is it small?" asked Jim.

"No."

Jim brushed his chin. He had less and less idea about what Spock wanted him to guess. But he was pleased to notice that Spock didn't blur out his next question. He must be struggling himself.

But when Jim looked at his friend, he did not find him in intense concentration, but with his glaze lost in nothing.

"Spock?"

"Yes?" His eyes did not focus.

Jim was already on his feet, reaching for his friend. "Are you okay?" His thumb brunched Spock's naked wrist. "You are freezing!"

Jim pulled off the blanket he was wearing and put it around Spock, tucking it so it would not move, and rubbed his arms. He should have remembered Vulcans were sensible to low temperatures and noticed something was off sooner.

"What did you not say anything? I'm putting the heat system back online."

"No. It will drastically cut down the shuttle capacity. I'll go into trance when my body could not take it anymore."

"I will not go on with a plan that could kill you."

"It is better than a plan killing both of us."

Dread filled Jim. He kneeled down, putting himself at eye level with Spock, grappling his shoulder. "Spock!" There was no response, and he shook him. "Spock!" He looked at Jim, his eyes empty. "You are going to survive this, you hear me? You will survive this!"

"Yes, Captain."

Jim forced his anxious heart to believe the answer.

* * *

Next time Bones would complain about the low metabolism of their Vulcan friend, Jim would join him.

It was now freezing in the shuttle, and Jim was sharing the blanket with Spock, lying on the floor.

And every time the human slid into unconsciousness, he was bolted awake by an urge of anxiety. When was the last time Spock breathed? He put a hand on Spock's rib cage and could calm down only after he felt the belly rising and the heart beating under his palm. It took him some times to realize Spock was probably in trance.

But he couldn't rest anyway. It was almost the time The Enterprise was supposed to enter the system.

Every other minute, the man was looking at the chronometer, now anxious that he would not be able to contact his ship, that they would not find them in time.

Finally, it was the scheduled time for The Enterprise to pick them up from the planet surface. Careful that the blanket was entirely covering Spock, Jim got up and sat at the control panel. The shuttle went back to life, a last jolt, under his hands.

He sent the distress signal, and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And the shuttle died without receiving an answer.

Jim didn't have enough energy to properly care.

He stood up.

“Did it work?”

Jim jumped, screaming.

From his place on the floor, Spock sat down. “My apologies, I did not wish to startle you.”

“Stay under the blanket,” Jim cried out as the blanket slid off Spock, rushing to put it back. “I thought you were already in trance.”

“I was waiting to see how it will turn out.”

Spock grabbed a corner of the blanket and put it on Jim, coincidently hugging him.

“I did not reach them.” Jim did not try to get out Spock's arms.

“I see.” Spock made them lay down. “It would take five point fifty-seven minutes for the life support system to shut down.”

Presuming The Enterprise arrived in the system right this instant, which was not certain as they had no idea what delayed her, six minutes was too short of a time to realize they were not on the planet, localize the shuttlecraft and see that there was a problem with it. And they both knew it.

“Spock, would you forgive me if I were egoist?”

“We may be in the only time of our life where nothing we do would ever matter. Yes, Jim, I will.”

“I'm- I have been falling for you, for a while. Sorry, I just need you to know.”

He felt Spock's arms holding him tighter. “I love you too.”

“Oh,” was all Jim was able to say before laughing.

Spock didn't take affront of his laugh, intertwining their fingers. "Thank you, Jim."

"For what?"

"Saying it. I would not have been capable, and that is something I would have regretted."

Shortly after, Spock lost consciousness.

Jim nested his head in the crook of Spock's neck and kept their hands together. Deciding that this single moment would be worth enough, he closed his eyes.

* * *

He was warm, and his muscles didn't hurt anymore. He was hearing a familiar, regular beeping noise. It took him some effort just to open his eyes, but when he succeeded, he was rewarded by the sight of the Enterprise's medbay.

Shortly, he felt Bones' hand on his arm. “How do you feel, Jim?”

“Tired,” came the honest response.

“I bet you are. You had severe hypothermia! You're lucky we find you when we-”

“How's Spock?” Jim cried as his brain remembered the last couple of days.

Rolling his eyes, Bones pointed to the bed next to them. “He is still in his healing trance, but he will be fine. You both will.”

Jim found himself unable to look away from his friend until he saw his stomach rise up. “How did you find us?”

“Uhura received the end of your transmission.”

“Why were you late?”

“Listen, Scotty will tell you everything about the incompetent idiots in charge of the pickup. But for now, you need to rest. Try to sleep.”

For good measure, because he did feel like sleeping, Jim pouted. Rolling his eyes, Bones abandoned his patients, after turning down the light for them.

Jim counted to ten after the door shut and slid out of his bed. He went on his legs slowly, partially because he was afraid he would fall, but mostly to see if an angry southerner was going to come back screaming.

None of them happened, so he climbed into Spock's biobed.

He nested his head in the crook of his neck, putting his arm around him. The Vulcan's body was hot against him.

Feeling Spock's heart and breath under his palm, he went back to sleep.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Regrets](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28556586) by [akikotree](https://archiveofourown.org/users/akikotree/pseuds/akikotree)




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